Reported by Robin Dawes
• Photographed by Dale Farris
Director, Federal Bureau of Investigations
From: Special Agent Drane Fully
Security Level: Triple Omega
Verification Key: 20FA16TB04RO26TH29ERS
following is my confidential report on the field investigation to which
you assigned me on April 20, 2016 (reference Sealed File 2016-7325). As
per your orders I am submitting this report directly to you. I know this
report is months late. When I have explained the circumstances you will
understand why I could not submit it before now.
April 27, 2016:
instructed, I proceeded to Batavia New York to rendezvous with Agent
Randy "The Fox" Muddler. I had received instructions to contact Muddler
at the Clarion Suites Hotel. I discovered that the hotel was hosting an
event called Obie's FFFF Convention (the Original Close Up Convention
– By Invitation Only). The hotel's records revealed that
approximately 200 guests had booked in as FFFF attendees, and that a
significant percentage were foreign nationals. I guessed that this group
was the focus of Agent Muddler's investigation, and I decided to
infiltrate and observe. I adopted a disguise as one of the hotel's
cleaning and maintenance staff.
event began when a tall white-haired man walked throughout the hotel
blowing a whistle. From his name-tag I knew this was Obie O'Brien,
the chief organizer of the convention. As he blew his whistle, scores of
men and a few women left whatever they were doing and followed him
obediently into a large darkened room. Had some kind of Pavlovian
training been applied, or were they all under post-hypnotic suggestion?
I knew I had to find out.
with a clipboard, I entered the room and engaged in covert surveillance.
O'Brien was delivering a welcoming speech. He was speaking in a strange
code or jargon with many words that I did not recognize, but his
audience clearly understood and approved. When he announced the hours
for "the Dealers' Room" I began to formulate a theory that this
mysterious FFFF organization was an international crime cartel. I soon
discovered that I was completely wrong.
O'Brien announced the commencement of a Canadian Gala and passed
the microphone to Joan Caesar, herself a Canadian national.
Madame Director, I was completely unprepared for what happened next.
What I am about to report will sound impossible but on my honour as an
FBI agent I swear it is true: over the next 84 hours I witnessed no less
than 387 verified demonstrations of supernatural abilities and
paranormal phenomena. It began without warning when Ms. Caesar
introduced Shawn Farquhar, who immediately made a bottle
materialize from thin air. He then telekinetically transported
thought-of playing cards into randomly chosen locations. He was followed
by Chris Pilsworth, who was able to teleport bubbles in and out
of a small flat envelope. Then Rod Chow used an unidentified
power to perfectly repair a torn $5 bill, and to transform cash into a
credit card. Next was Jean-Luc Dupont, who was able to establish
direct communication with a potato. Michel Huot and Yannick
Lacroix combined their arcane abilities to make coins materialize
and dematerialize again. Eric Leclerc showed a box in which he
had placed an object, having foreseen that the object would be named:
Mike Powers asked for a picture of a parrot, and that is exactly
what the box contained. Then Bill Abbott demonstrated the ability
to make cards materialize so that no matter how many he dropped, he
always had the same number. David Merry used telepathic powers to
identify a number held in a volunteer's head. Hayashi was able to
move coins under cards without touching them. Closing the exhibition was
Mike Robinson, who actually brought to life a wooden figure of a
man. The small homunculus engaged in witty conversation with Robinson
but seemed to take a strong dislike for Obie O'Brien, repeatedly
threatening to "kick Obie's a**". The crowd rewarded Robinson with a
Director, you can appreciate the position I was in. I realized that the
powers I had witnessed were possessed by no humans. The beings at FFFF
were not aliens in the sense of foreign nationals … they were aliens
from beyond our planet. I realized that with respect to their origin,
the truth was "Out There". What's more, these aliens (who for the most
part were quite human in appearance) were demonstrating powers that if
unleashed could overturn our entire society. I knew it was my duty to
report immediately, but I also felt that it was vital to remain and
gather as much information as possible.
a brief interval, O'Brien announced that a lecture was about to begin.
The lecturers were Michel Huot and Yannick Lacroix – names
which now struck me as being unearthly. Michel and Yannick demonstrated
their arcane powers over playing cards, coins, billiard balls, thimbles
and other mundane articles. Then they gave explanations for their
miracles … but the explanations were patently ridiculous! Magnets,
self-retracting spools of monofilament, specially engineered coins …
these "explanations" were clearly false, and I did not understand their
purpose until much later.
the lecture the crowd dispersed. I attempted to locate Agent Muddler
without success. I conducted covert surveillance in several rooms where
members of the FFFF association were gleefully engaged in paranormal
activities until late in the night, but I was no nearer understanding
the purpose of it all. I determined to resume my investigation in the
April 28, 2016:
day began with another lecture, presented by a being named Lukas.
Lukas looked more human than Huot and Lacroix, but his paranormal powers
were just as impressive. He materialized, disintegrated and transformed
thimbles, playing cards, silk handkerchiefs, coins, and candles. After
exercising his supernatural abilities he too offered preposterous
explanations based on combinations of manual dexterity, intricate
devices, and psychological manipulation. It was clear that these
explanations were meant to distract from his actual powers, but to what
crowd was completely delighted with the lecture and rewarded Lukas with
a standing ovation.
afternoon another show commenced. This was co-ordinated by Gary
Morton and featured eleven aliens. First Karl Hein
instantaneously solved a Rubik's cube without physical manipulation.
Then Lion Fludd transported a small ball between several metal
cups. Francis Menotti communicated with an invisible person named
Siri, and made a freely named card materialize in his hand.
Michael Kirschner used nothing but mental energy to bend silverware.
Daniel Collado used paranormal powers to guide a blindfolded
volunteer in the separation of a deck of cards into red and black piles.
Greg Frewin used precognition to predict which four US states
would be chosen by audience members. Juan Carlos Rodarte told a
wonderful story as he teleported four signed cards to the top of a deck
of cards. Edouard Boulanger reached into an alternate dimension
and brought back flaming coins. Joe Rindfleisch compelled rubber
bands to violate the laws of physics by linking and unlinking. The crowd
rose to its feet in appreciation of Joe's impressive feats. Roy Eidem
introduced themes from The Lord of the Rings as he exercised his
ability to completely control rings and coins. Finally Miguel Angel
Gea showed his mastery over Past, Present and Future with coins and
playing cards. The audience showed their appreciation with a standing
developed a theory regarding these shows: perhaps they were an
opportunity for the FFFF beings to demonstrate their paranormal powers
and thereby gain recognition and status within the group. I had wondered
if this ritual was somehow related to the bizarre courtship dances of
tropical birds, but the almost total absence of potential mates rendered
very little pause another show was announced. This was the British
Gala, with Darryl Rose as MC. A being named Will Houstoun
was able to psychically control 52 objects in motion at the same time,
making a deck of cards arrange themselves into a particular order while
being shuffled by a volunteer. Kieron Johnson used time travel
abilities to go back and freeze a signed card into a block of ice.
Mark Leveridge manipulated the atomic structure of three odd-sized
pieces of rope, making each one permanently the same length. Geoff
Ray repeatedly made coins de-materialize from one hand and
re-materialize in the other hand. Neil Stirton was able to gather
information by speaking to the four Aces from a deck of cards. Fay
Presto earned a standing ovation with her presentation of varied
miracles, ending with pushing a glass bottle through a volunteer.
Martin Cox made a signed fish materialize in his mouth. I must
confess that despite the frightening implications of discovering that
beings of such power are walking the Earth, I was laughing out loud
during Martin's turn on stage. Marcus Taylor made Aces invisibly
transpose one by one with other cards in a jazzy way. Bob Swadling
used a power that I will call chromogenesis to transform blank
playing cards into fully printed ones. Amanda Nicot used
mind-reading to perfectly identify a word chosen at random. Keith
Fields induced telepathic abilities in Gene Anderson,
permitting him to read the minds of four volunteers.
momentum of the FFFF gathering was building. I could feel the psychic
energy flowing through the group. I realized that the performers in the
shows were focussing the attention of the attendees, channelling and
co-ordinating their energies like a resonating beam of light in a laser.
Was this the real purpose of the shows – to create a huge reservoir of
shared paranormal power? But what was the goal?
evening was given over to another lecture, this time presented by three
brothers: Dani daOrtiz, Miguel Angel Gea, and Christian
Engblom, collectively known as The Fat Brothers. The family
structure on their home world must be very complex since the brothers
showed no visible evidence of consanguinity. I learned that the brothers
were the Guests of Honour at the FFFF gathering and I guessed
that their powers would be very great. I was not wrong. Miguel
demonstrated phenomenal paranormal control over coins and cards,
seemingly able to transport and transform them at will. Christian
repeatedly shuffled cards face up and face down, then used telekinetic
powers to turn them all the same way. Dani was able to use a
combination of clairvoyance and possibly mind-control to find chosen
cards at audience-chosen locations in shuffled borrowed decks of cards.
again, the lecturers then denied their powers and provided convoluted
instructions for achieving their miracles using purely natural means. As
before, I knew these explanations could not be true, because I am a
trained observer and would surely have detected these ruses had they
been in use.
April 29, 2016:
still had not made contact with Agent Randy "The Fox" Muddler, and I was
concerned. I left a message for him at the hotel desk and continued my
first event the next day was advertised as "The Pat Page Memorial
Workshop", hosted by Mike Powers. The alien beings engaged in
this workshop focused their demonstrations of otherworldly powers on
rings of all sizes. The first up was Joe M. Turner, who showed
that by pure mental exertion he could release a ring from a string it
was threaded on. Raj Madhok reversed the process and passed a
ring onto the middle of a string. Glenn Brown used multiple large
rings and defied nature by repeatedly linking and unlinking them.
Marc DeSouza made a ring and a rope pass through each other, then
teleported the ring into a card box. Eric DeCamps demonstrated
his mastery of the elements using a shoelace and a 4-inch ring. Mark
Leveridge showed that he could pass a ring through the hinge of a
pair of eyeglasses. Finally, Roy Eidem used his telekinetic power
over rings to pay tribute to Harry Houdini. I now suspect that
Houdini was in fact an alien as well. I should mention that each of the
aliens who demonstrated their powers gave some sort of ridiculous
explanation of how their results could be simulated with natural means.
Mike Powers announced that a PDF of these "methods" would be
available to all attendees - the crowd was delighted. Clearly the FFFF
group placed value on these bogus explanations of their supernatural
abilities, though I could not yet be sure what that value was.
afternoon, Christian and Katelina (the Painters) hosted another
show. Leading off was Michael Dardant, who showed an unearthly
power over playing cards and poetry. Fred Rosenbaum used
precognition to predict the outcome of four random choices related to
planning a funeral. Thomas Barthes used blank cards to show he
could accurately sketch future events. David Finkelstein
demonstrated his power to control coincidence by making a freely named
playing card appear in the same position in two decks of cards.
Katelina and Christian then demonstrated their telepathic powers by
transmitting information about a chosen card. Alexander Great
used inter-dimensional manipulation to create a permanently twisted
playing card. Vincent Hedan demonstrated his supernatural
familiarity with the irrational number
Javier Piñeiro focussed so much mental energy into a coin that it
burned halfway through a deck of cards. Jimmy Ichihana applied
his powers to dealing playing cards from a shuffled deck in groups of
matching colour, then matching suits, then in order. Rémy Robert
made huge coins transport invisibly from one hand to another. Michael
Kaminskas impressively teleported a signed playing card into a
lemon. Howard Hamburg precisely predicted the sum of four
randomly selected playing cards. Lodewijk de Widt tore the
corners from four different cards and manipulated their molecular
structure to meld them into a whole card. The audience responded to this
display of superlative skill with a vigorous standing ovation.
after, Alain Ianonne took the stage as host of the Italian
Gala. The first performer was Riccardo Negroni, who
materialized and transformed coins and flowers with grace and elegance.
Manfredi Corradino used his powers to transpose Aces and Kings.
Fabio Marchegiano supernaturally controlled the order of two
decks of cards simultaneously. Sergio Starman made rings
materialize inside his mouth! Michele Trabona made coins
materialize, disintegrate and multiply in a bravura demonstration.
Alain Ianonne gazed into the future to predict the choices of socks,
shirts and underwear made by the Fat Brothers. Tony Polli closed
the show by making coins and a wine glass materialize from thin air.
the dinner break I attempted to ingratiate myself with a small group of
these strange beings. I discovered that by agreeing to pick a card, I
earned immediate entry into their circle. I found their conversation to
be chilling: they spoke openly of how they had used their powers to
"blow people away" and "slay them in the aisles". I was beginning to see
the darker side of these aliens.
evening brought another show, this one master-minded by an alien named
Meir Yedid. Meir introduced Alec Tsai, who demonstrated
his extraordinary ability to control the behaviour of stickers attached
to playing cards. Next up was Billy Debu, showing that he could
cause specific cards to materialize exactly where he wanted them.
Willy Monroe laid a big bet on his otherworldly ability to predict
which colour of balloon would be selected. Lawrens Godon pulled
coins through space to appear at his fingertips. Michel Huot and
Yannick Lacroix showed that these aliens understand the human
sense of humour very well. They performed as "The Human Deck of Cards" …
ironic since they themselves are clearly not human. After a short break,
Angel San Martin showed the astonishing ability to cause balls
and other small objects to materialize under metal cups. Rune Carlsen
twisted reality by causing everything he touched to go blank – including
cards and coins. Miika Pelkonen reached into volunteers' minds to
extract the identity of cards they had chosen. An alien named Joe
Monti was next – he caused a quantity of beer to increase, again and
again. Jacob Schenström ended the show by using pan-optic vision
to locate freely named cards in a shuffled deck. The audience was
strongly impressed by this ability and rewarded Jacob with a standing
April 30, 2016:
I was running out of time: I had only one more day to discover the
aliens' plan. Were they the advance scouts of an all-out invasion, or
was it something else entirely? One thing I did know: the frequency and
intensity of paranormal activity was increasing. Something big,
something very big was going to happen.
day began with another lecture. This time the speaker was Luis Otero,
claiming to come from Venezuela but clearly an extraterrestrial. Among
many superhuman abilities, Luis controlled the mind of a volunteer to
make him place 4 bills in a deck directly beside 4 cards chosen by the
volunteer. Luis also caused two decks of cards to materialize from
inside one card box. As with the other lecturers, Luis gave
"explanations" for his abilities, ranging from ingenious hidden devices
to extensive preparation to extreme manual dexterity.
still had not fathomed the purpose of providing the alien audience with
these preposterous explications, but suddenly an explanation occurred to
me. I realized that the aliens attending FFFF were planning to spread
out across our planet and exercise the same powers that the lecturers
had demonstrated. They would run the risk of being observed by humans,
and to maintain their cover they would need some sort of
mundane explanation for how they could do what they did. The gullible
humans would accept the ridiculous stories of "Faro shuffles" and "back
palms" – as if those were real things – and the aliens could carry on
last I knew their intentions – from Batavia they would disperse
throughout the world, using their alien powers to change the course of
human history. I knew I had to find some way to stop them.
as I made my plans, the next show was starting. This was the Asian Gala,
hosted by Andost. The first demonstration of superhuman ability
came from Toto, who caused chosen cards to leap out of the deck
when the volunteers yelled "Bang!" Then Daly used extremely
precise telekinetic power to mentally manipulate the chemicals in a
Polaroid photograph. Next, Yumi was able to untie knots with
nothing but the power of her mind. Beomseok Jun told a charming
story while psychically controlling the cards in a shuffled deck.
Shimpei made cards gather and transpose without touching them, and
received a standing ovation for this amazing display of power. Ed
Kwon used extrasensory perception to find the four Queens in a
shuffled deck, then transformed them into Aces, then made the Aces
gather in one place. He too received a standing ovation. Hide Kimoto
made solid metal rings link and unlink. Takamiz Usui was able to
use mental powers to solve Rubik's cubes while they were spinning in the
air, and the crowd stood and applauded in appreciation. Billy Cheung
made a freely named card materialize in a wine glass, then caused named
cards to rise from a deck, and caused the faces of the cards to go
blank, all without touching them – earning an enthusiastic standing
ovation. Mo Yukimasa was the final performer in the show. He made
red and black cards transpose without touching them.
show was followed immediately by another – this one helmed by Steve
Beam. Steve began the show by introducing Eric DeCamps, who
repeatedly transformed matches into coins, then made metal beads pass
through ropes. Joe Cabral told a tale about a gypsy
fortune-teller, while gigantic cards transformed their faces to
illustrate the story. Andy Quinn was able to discover volunteers'
chosen numbers when they moved metal bars around a ring. Jim Vines
caused the materialization from thin air of coins, paper money, and
credit cards. Luis Olmedo demonstrated the power to pass solid
through solid by pushing playing cards through the table. Clemens
Ilgner showed that he can breathe fire at will. Pete Lentini
teleported rolled-up balls of paper from his hand into a box on the
table. Martin Braessas pulled coins out of flames and fed them
back into the flames – amazing control over the elements. The final
performer was Christian Engblom. Christian used his alien
mind-power to make selected cards fly invisibly to his pockets,
including a pocket that he mind-controlled all of us to see, even though
the pocket did not exist.
that the Fat Brothers were, as Guests of Honour, somehow central to the
FFFF plan for world domination. During dinner I gained their confidence
by handing each of them an unopened deck of cards. I nonchalantly asked
where they were going after FFFF. There was a moment of uneasy silence,
then with one voice they said "Home. We are going home." I made a casual
comment about wishing I could see their home, then changed the subject.
I did not want to let on that I was aware of their plan to conquer
final show of the FFFF gathering began at 8 PM that evening. Obie
O'Brien stepped into the spotlight to MC this show. The event
commenced with the presentation of many gifts to the Fat Brothers. Then
Obie introduced the first performer – Shoot Ogawa. Shoot
made a number of items materialize from a piece of artwork, and then
compelled all the objects to transform – an astonishing demonstration of
the ability to control multiple objects. Alberto Lorenzo brought
enormous energy to the stage, focussed into a bowl under which small
objects repeatedly materialized. Horret Wu demonstrated a power I
had not yet seen – he transformed giant playing cards into regular
cards. The audience responded with a standing ovation. The Magic
Brothers (not to be confused with the Fat Brothers) engaged in a
duel of sorts, using their superhuman powers to contend for control of
small balls materializing under cups. They were rewarded with a standing
ovation. Satoru Furukawa manipulated the laws of nature to create
perfect fans of enormous playing cards, and also received a standing
a short break, Obie O'Brien announced that Jimmy C was the
winner of the MVP award. Jimmy received a sustained standing ovation.
Then Woody Aragón recruited Shawn Farquhar's wife Lori
(contacted by telephone) to think of any card. Without touching the
deck, Woody transported Lori's card to the exact position reached by
spelling "Juan Tamariz". Then Lukas, who had lectured earlier,
showed his uncanny ability to make balls and playing cards appear as if
by magic (though it was clearly hyper-developed mental powers, because
magic isn't real). Paul Gertner used his extraterrestrial powers
to place five chosen cards at the precise locations where volunteers
would find them by spelling their own names.
the final performance, Obie expressed his gratitude to Glenn
Brown and Joan Caesar, both of whom received warm standing
ovations from the crowd.
last demonstration of more-than-human ability was given by Dani
DaOrtiz. In an unmatched display of power, he simultaneously
controlled the actions of four volunteers as they randomly mixed and
discarded playing cards until each had only one card left – the cards
they had selected and signed earlier! The crowd leaped to its feet for
one final standing ovation.
FFFF event was over, and it was time for me to put my desperate plan
into action. I ran forward and took the microphone. "Ladies and
gentlemen, please remain seated. I am Special Agent Drane Fully of the
FBI. Before you attempt to conquer our world, there is something you
need to know. It will be more trouble than it's worth. Even with your
incredible powers, humans are going to be completely ungovernable –
we've proved that over tens of thousands of years. Trust me, you do
not want the headaches of trying to run this planet!"
was silence for a moment. Two hundred pairs of alien eyes gazed at me.
O'Brien turned to the Fat Brothers and said "What shall we
do with him?" Dani DaOrtiz said "He said he wanted to visit our
home", Miguel Angel Gea said "We have room in the ship" and
Christian Engblom said "He can pick a lot of cards between here and
Arcturus" … and then I lost consciousness. When I awoke, Earth was
nothing but a tiny blue point in the vastness of space that I could see
through the thick window of my tiny cabin on board their ship.
held captive for four months. I must admit it was pleasant captivity –
the Fat Brothers were very gracious hosts. It was not until today
that they returned me to this world. Madame Director, the reason my
report is so late is that I was kidnapped by aliens.
concludes my report. At no time was I able to communicate with Agent
Randy "The Fox" Muddler, and I can only hope that his report confirms my
own. Therefore, in conclusion may I ask one crucial question … What does
the Fox say?